The overrated tag, ‘Head of the Family’, placed on men has in recent times become the greatest weapon of deception used to strip them of any accolade that should be accorded them in a family and our society at large. In our society today, men labour till the last breathe to ensure the survival and blossom of his family but alas! The woman bags the honours at the end.
From the
moment a boy begins reasoning like a man (which varies with individuals, but
according to the law begins the day he attains the legal age of eighteen; to
some however, it is the day he graduates from university or its equivalent)
there is always a girl somewhere that gives him sleepless nights (exception of
those that willingly chose to live celibate lives). He at this point struggles
to acquire wealth to entice the girl and further facilitate his marriage to
this dream bride. This same lady he must have worked hard to please.
The life of
a man is one of persistent struggle. Getting the attention of a lady is not
always an easy task. It often requires huge investments in the form of money,
time and patience. The problem doesn’t end with the woman accepting to flaunt
the engagement ring rather it makes way for the next phase of ‘snoozing
problem’. The yes nod by the woman means greater hurdles to be crossed by the
man. This immediately doubles the man’s problem. First, he has to break several
sweats to gain the blessing of the girl’s parents and also fight off any form
of opposition in the form of her ex-boyfriends if any. Secondly, he begins
thinking of means to raise his income to cater for the bride price (which is
gaining weight with each passing day) and subsequently the traditional and
white wedding.
The final
legalization of the union paves way for the second phase of ‘problem snooze’.
The man has to defile his aching nerves and worn out muscles most nights to
ensure that the wife is sexually satisfied. This routine exercise or activity
must be accomplished often especially as fresh couples or it could open a rift
in the still fragile union (not withstanding how tired his work place had made
him). Most marriages have met their early doom because the husband failed to
meet up with the wife’s sexual demands. Little wonder it had become a
reoccurring sight on the pages of the press new of men who died during sexual
intercourse. However, cases of women who died during the same act are rare
(exception being unfortunate cases of rape).
The nine
months of pregnancy makes the man go through tumultuous mental shift which
presents him with incessant nightmares and day dreams. All these occur because
his brain is mostly preoccupied with thoughts of safety of his wife and her
unborn child. It is easily observed that most men grow pale during this period
especially if it is their first issue. It is most appalling that most women
undermine the mental contribution of the men during this period. The fact that
they don’t walk around with babies in their tummies doesn’t mean they don’t
carry both of you in their tiny brains. It is by far true that mental exercise
drains one more than physical exercise since the brain consumes lots of oxygen
and glucose. As a famous BBC sports commentator Jon Champion puts it, ‘once the
mind (brain) goes tired, the body goes with it’.
During the critical
hours of labour, while the woman yells from the birth pangs in the labour room,
the man stays close, praying to God with all the faith in his being, heart
thumping beneath his breast. When well-wishers begin trooping in to pay homage
to the new born, praises are rendered to the woman for the child forgetting it
was the man who laboured day and night to ensure that the wife got pregnant.
His part is completely neglected like it is an inconsequential part of
procreation. This also goes a long way to show how our society praises
‘results’ rather than ‘hard work’.
The joy of
every woman in her matrimonial home is climaxed with the cry of a child and
increases with each subsequent births, so does the burden of the man. Some
women pressurise their husbands into having numerous children, not giving a
hoot to the harsh economic realities of recent times. Every new birth means
extra mouth to be fed, another body to be clothed, and more miscellaneous
expenditures to be taken care of. Funny enough, most women don’t contribute a
penny in terms of finance to the routine running of the home. The father stands
aside, enduring all these pain for the joy of a brighter future for his
children.
At
the end of the day, these children come of age and raise their voices in unison
to chorus:
Sweet mother, I no go forget you for this suffer wey
you suffer for me…
When I no chop, my mother no go chop…
This
particular song keeps the father at bay and makes it appear as if he stood
aside with folded arms from conception till the child attained his/her present
age and paid no attention to their wellbeing. This is totally erroneous and
should be corrected. The song ‘Sweet Mother’ by Nigerian/Cameroonian singer
Prince Nico Mbarga and his band, Rocafil Jazz, released in 1976 has sold over
13 million copies to date. In 2004, the song won the BBC readers and listeners
Africa’s Favourite Song award. A song is loved if the words of the lyrics are
considered true by the audience or in some cases, if the beat appeal to their
hearing.
This one
sided praise seems to be worse in Africa especially in my dear country Nigeria.
Many musicians have so far followed the footsteps of the great highlife
performer Prince Nico in the eulogy for mothers. Mc Loph of the blessed memory recorded
a song for mothers where he featured Flavour. The song titled ‘Mama’ generated
a lot of buzz and also got them smiling to the bank with ample recognition of
stardom. Others include M.I, Mr Incredible’s
‘My Belle, My Head’ where he expressed his love for his mother and how
he’ll go any extreme to ensure her survival during trying times. When the song
isn’t about mothers, it ends up 70% of the times as praise or adoration of
young mother to be ladies. Only thrice have I heard songs by Nigerian artists
with men as the theme. Although the songs weren’t praising the toil of
fatherhood but rather expressing their feelings towards a man they love so
much, I consider it a good start. These instances includes Desperate Chick’s
track ‘This boy’, Sorty in the song ‘Malaria’ and the new to the scene young
damsel Chidinma in her debut Kedike.
The story is
however slightly different in the western world. Fathers tend to receive a good
amount of recognition once in a while. The most glaring of such instance is
embedded in the lyrics of the song ‘Dance With My Father’ by Luther Vandross.
The song became one of the most requested songs at that time. During the 2004
Grammy Awards, ‘Dance With My Father’ earned Vandross the twin accolades, Song
of The Year and Best Male R&B Vocal Performance. Like I said before, if the
audience didn’t appreciate the lyrics, the song wouldn’t have gotten to such
lofty height.
The high
standards and hurdles fathers set for their children especially their sons
often scare them away into the open arms of their emotional mothers and gain
them the reputation, ‘Wicked man’. Women and mothers entirely tend to be
emotional and soft to realities, hence prefer to give their children free-hand
to do as they will (same reason why most youths will openly confess that they love
their mothers more than their fathers because every youth wants freedom). Am
certain that if a census is conducted on the effect of parental training on the
outcome of a child, the result will show that children brought up under the
supervision of their fathers will turn out to be more responsible at adulthood
than children trained by single mothers. You and I know that iron sharpens iron
as clearly emphasised in the Bible (Proverbs 27:17). You don’t expect a child
to be great if you don’t burden their minds to some extent with problems and
discipline.
The pride of
fatherhood has been threatened enormously in recent times by the irresponsible
attitude of some fathers. Some fathers price their job and wealth above the
ware fare and emotions of their children. Some children don’t set their eyes on
their father for days. Their father travel for years, abandoning what was meant
to be a shared responsibility to the woman. Such children grow with the affection
of their mother who was always there for them at the time of need. When they
grow, they are not to be blamed if they choose to shower all the praises on
their mother. Other so-called fathers go out in the morning and return late at
night drunk (what images are they showing as the head?).
Renewed
incidences of rape on young women by those who were naturally created to be
their protector casts questions on the future and dignity of the noble word
fatherhood. The one incident that remains fresh in our mind is the case where a
young medical student in New Delhi (India), 23 years of age, was raped in a bus
and later thrown out. This incident resulted in her death and further sparked
protest across the country. A number of rape cases have also been reported in
Nigeria by both young men and fathers alike. This prompted the House of
Representatives on Tuesday March 5th to approve life imprisonment
for any person convicted of rape. They also approved a minimum of 20 years
without an option of fine for persons convicted of gang raping someone. The combined actions of robbery, use of
illicit drugs, rape and a host of other heinous crime mostly promulgated by
ebullient young men in their prime hastens the transfer of praise to their
female counterparts.
I intend
making a remake of the song ‘Sweet Mother’ to ‘Sweet Father’ and I challenge
Nigerian artists to do the same. I dare them to put these words into a beat
let’s hear how it would sound:
‘Sweet
father, I no go forget you for this suffer wey you suffer for me…
If I no chop
my father go run around for street to raise money to buy me something to eat
ooo…
If I the
sick, my father go carry me, he go carry me run go hospital…’
When they
are done, let’s place the songs side by side with the traditional version and
see how it would fare in the market. Every year, the church (mostly Catholics
and Anglicans) sets aside a day to honour women (Mothering Sunday). This day
has become so popular that it is gradually gaining universal acceptance. On
such days, parties are thrown in their respect and they are also showered with gifts.
That of fathers is celebrated on low key that not everyone is aware of its
existence.
This is a
wakeup call directed to every man to amend his ways so that they can regain
that which is almost lost. It is paramount that every man understands the
meaning of the title ‘HEAD’ bestowed on them. It is important to note how
anything that affects the head has an extended effect on the rest of the parts.
Like a proverb says, ‘uneasy lies the head that wears the crown’, every man
should strive to be outstanding in both morals and attitude. If every man unites
in good morals and redefine their interests in family matters, their voices and
nobility will reverberate round the earth and their dignified Fatherhood
accorded the desired respect for all ages. In the final analysis, it is without
doubt that women model the home but it is in my candid opinion that the time is
ripe for fathers to be appreciated, appreciate their sweat and the tough
decisions they have to make for the betterment of the family. Appreciate your father
today. I love my mother but will always respect my father.
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